Whereto?

Aug. 25th, 2016 09:28 pm
crystal_clear: (Default)
I am truly lost.

While I sort of know what I want for my future...but I don't know if I have enough balls to fight for it, to strive for it.

Perhaps I am still as weak as ever.
crystal_clear: Tifa of FFVII (Tifa)
1. Wow. It is possible to hate my job more than ever.

Kudos to my superiors, although it probably isn't saying much. They are just not trying, at all.

I hope a grand retribution awaits ye.

2. I am ambivalent about the idea of a live-action Bleach. It's very difficult to achieve what Rurouni Kenshin and Death Note have. Gantz I have yet to see.

If they screw it up...God Help us all.

3. I am just so, so exhausted. I need a break already.
crystal_clear: (Kamui - forgotten)
How do you know when is the best time to bail out?

When you know that there is nothing worth fighting for. That things are never going to become better.

That you are essentially fighting a losing battle.

When you are in danger of losing your sanity. Yourself.

Because that is how I feel about work. No matter how much dedication(?) or sacrifice that I've exhibited, everything seems to fall apart. My superiors - most of them, anyway - are so irresponsible it's extremely foolish to take orders from them.

Gone

Jul. 25th, 2016 10:29 pm
crystal_clear: (sherlock/john - arguing with doctor)
1. Passion, wherefore art thou?

It's difficult when doubt clouds your mind, and this haze thickens with each passing moment.

2. How do I know where my path lies?

3. Good Lord, the weather's just so unbearably hot.
crystal_clear: (Look)
1. Hello, new favourite character in Gintama. Maybe it's my seiyuu bias, but damn, so what?

Rekindling my love for the show. Especially since I have been unwell - warded, no less! - for these few days, and God Knows that I can't study when my own body is against me.

2. How desperate are you, Self?

Taken

May. 16th, 2016 06:15 pm
crystal_clear: (sherlock/john - arguing with doctor)
You know the feeling that hits you when (one of) your most prized possession(s) is stolen from you?

There is bereavement. The immense anger. The deep regret. The endless self-reprisals. The wonder on how you could be so f*cking stupid.

Then there's the small voice of reason that tells you that you shouldn't be too attached to materialistic things in the first place.

Even if it's a five year old, outdated iPhone 4s.

But it was my loyal companion.

I pray for the messiest death for the thieves. And I pray - knowing how unlikely it will ever be granted - for my precious to return to my side.

crystal_clear: (Kamui - forgotten)
There is an unexplainable emptiness in my heart that refuses to go away even after much coaxing by my rational self, which went along the lines of "Everything will be all right", "You're still awesome", "That's just how things are", "You're okay"...which, let's just face it, are no more than blatant lies that fail to work anymore, if they had worked at all in the past.

The spontaneous crying spells are not helping the situation either.


I'd like to convince myself that it's normal, it's okay to cry once in awhile, because that just how life as a HO is. That some people still cared, and that not everyone is bad entirely. And that soon the storm and the clouds will pass, and sunshine will finally shine through.

But things have not been going well, and I really think that I'm not entirely to blame. A victim of circumstances, so to speak, but I still will face the dire consequences...because that's just part of the job description.

I'd like to think after all is said and done, I'll be able to look back with a content smile on my face, a whisper of gratitude to Him, and say with much conviction that "I made it out alive, and a better person after all this"...but with time moving so slowly, it feels more like a slow, painful torture. Psychological torture, that eventually will take a toll on my own physical health.

Is it worth it in the end, though? The question waits for its answer...

...Also, I'm sort of allergic to idealistic movies. The Three Musketeers was a guilty pleasure, while The Princess Bride was a delightful movie to watch...but after a certain point I feel like they're trying to sell us false dreams and hopes. But that's what movies are supposed to be, yes? Unrealistic, harmless fun...as long as we don't expect the same to happen to us in real life.

"All for one, and one for all"...somehow I wish such sentiment exists in the department...

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diamanté

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