"Truly in the heart there is a void that can not be removed except with the company of Allah. And in it there is a sadness that can not be removed except with the happiness of knowing Allah and being true to Him. And in it there is an emptiness that can not be filled except with love for Him and by turning to Him and always remembering Him. And if a person were given all of the world and what is in it, it would not fill this emptiness." [Ibn al-Qayyim]

Kenapa semua ini terjadi padaku?

"Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi pula kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu, Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui." (Al-Baqarah : 216)

Kenapa terlalu berat ujian ini?

"Allah tidak membebani seseorang itu melainkan sesuai dengan Kesanggupannya." (Al-Baqarah : 286)

Terasa kehidupan ini sudah tiada maknanya lagi bagiku. Mengapa?

"Janganlah kamu bersikap lemah, dan janganlah pula kamu bersedih hati, padahal kamulah orang-orang yang paling tinggi darjatnya, jika kamu orang-orang yang beriman." (Ali Imraan : 139)

"... ..dan janganlah kamu berputus asa dari rahmat Allah. Sesungguhnya tiada berputus asa dari rahmat Allah melainkan kaum yang kafir." (Yusuf : 87)

Bagaimana harus ku hadapi semua ini?

"Dan mintalah pertolongan (kepada Allah) dengan jalan sabar dan mengerjakan sembahyang; dan sesungguhnya sembahyang itu amatlah berat kecuali kepada orang-orang yang khusyuk." (Al-Baqarah : 45)

Apa yang akan kudapat daripada semua ini?

"Sesungguhnya Allah telah membeli dari orang-orang mu'min, diri, harta mereka dengan memberikan syurga untuk mereka.." (At-Taubah : 111)

Kepada siapa harus aku berharap?

"Cukuplah ! Allah bagiku, tidak ada Tuhan selain dari-Nya. Hanya kepadaNya aku bertawakkal." (At-Taubah : 129)

Berimankah aku?

"Apakah manusia itu mengira bahawa mereka dibiarkan saja mengatakan; "Kami telah beriman," sedangkan mereka tidak diuji? Dan sesungguhnya kami telah menguji orang-orang yang sebelum mereka, maka sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui orang-orang yang benar dan sesungguhnya Dia mengetahui orang-orang yang dusta?" (Al-Ankabut : 2-3)

I feel so awful that I doubt there is even an English word that could aptly describe it. Or maybe the language centre in my brain is just plain tired that it doesn't bother with effort...

It's tiring to oscillate between 'utter despair' and 'tiny sliver of hope'. It's crazy, like a mini bipolar streak. Whenever the religious part of me strives to trust in God's planning, the cautious realist (Yes, I consider myself as a cautious realist rather than the all too negative pessimist) jumpstarts me back and points out that it's best to not expect too much, as it will lessen the pain if it doesn't materialise.

But I still want to graduate. I need to pass because my future, my sanity, my life depends on.

Seriously, self? If you have time to regret, how's about using it for a more fruitful end? For instance...studying properly!?

Yet the Earth still spins.

There are no words to describe it. Everything felt like a dream. Even the aftermath felt surreal. But the physical pain and emotional uneasiness are anything but fake.

It was blurry - a blur of gray ("smoke, dear God, there's smoke coming out..."), red ("...wait, I'm bleeding...") and white ("So that's how my airbags look like..."). And the fact that my companions were apparently well (and they still are, thank God!), and that I was still able to collect my senses. And then there were people...lots of people...and there was a swirl of emotions - all sorts of them, one after another and at other times, all at the same time - that seem to congest my chest...

What could have been, what should have been - they can be sensitive business.

But yeah, at the end of the day, what God has decreed will eventually happen, despite what measure we've taken to prevent it. Why? Only He Knows.

And only He will repay those who has helped to ease our hardships yesterday. God Bless.

Heartfelt gratitude to those who texted me with your wishes and concern. Apologies for giving people something extra to worry about.

Thank God that things didn't get any worse.

...Well, whaddaya know...There's still some optimism in me after all. Hmm.