On Continuous Despair
Oct. 14th, 2011 05:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
crystal_clearThere is an unexplainable emptiness in my heart that refuses to go away even after much coaxing by my rational self, which went along the lines of "Everything will be all right", "You're still awesome", "That's just how things are", "You're okay"...which, let's just face it, are no more than blatant lies that fail to work anymore, if they had worked at all in the past.
The spontaneous crying spells are not helping the situation either.
I'd like to convince myself that it's normal, it's okay to cry once in awhile, because that just how life as a HO is. That some people still cared, and that not everyone is bad entirely. And that soon the storm and the clouds will pass, and sunshine will finally shine through.
But things have not been going well, and I really think that I'm not entirely to blame. A victim of circumstances, so to speak, but I still will face the dire consequences...because that's just part of the job description.
I'd like to think after all is said and done, I'll be able to look back with a content smile on my face, a whisper of gratitude to Him, and say with much conviction that "I made it out alive, and a better person after all this"...but with time moving so slowly, it feels more like a slow, painful torture. Psychological torture, that eventually will take a toll on my own physical health.
Is it worth it in the end, though? The question waits for its answer...
...Also, I'm sort of allergic to idealistic movies. The Three Musketeers was a guilty pleasure, while The Princess Bride was a delightful movie to watch...but after a certain point I feel like they're trying to sell us false dreams and hopes. But that's what movies are supposed to be, yes? Unrealistic, harmless fun...as long as we don't expect the same to happen to us in real life.
"All for one, and one for all"...somehow I wish such sentiment exists in the department...
The spontaneous crying spells are not helping the situation either.
I'd like to convince myself that it's normal, it's okay to cry once in awhile, because that just how life as a HO is. That some people still cared, and that not everyone is bad entirely. And that soon the storm and the clouds will pass, and sunshine will finally shine through.
But things have not been going well, and I really think that I'm not entirely to blame. A victim of circumstances, so to speak, but I still will face the dire consequences...because that's just part of the job description.
I'd like to think after all is said and done, I'll be able to look back with a content smile on my face, a whisper of gratitude to Him, and say with much conviction that "I made it out alive, and a better person after all this"...but with time moving so slowly, it feels more like a slow, painful torture. Psychological torture, that eventually will take a toll on my own physical health.
Is it worth it in the end, though? The question waits for its answer...
...Also, I'm sort of allergic to idealistic movies. The Three Musketeers was a guilty pleasure, while The Princess Bride was a delightful movie to watch...but after a certain point I feel like they're trying to sell us false dreams and hopes. But that's what movies are supposed to be, yes? Unrealistic, harmless fun...as long as we don't expect the same to happen to us in real life.
"All for one, and one for all"...somehow I wish such sentiment exists in the department...
