chiaroscuro

There's a saying: That a man can do any amount of work, as long as it's not the work that he's supposed to be doing at the moment.

Time is running out, and yet I am still procrastinating.

Perhaps I am the one without insight. And yet I need this bad, so freakin' bad.

So many things all around, so many thoughts flood my head, so many feelings invade my chest.

Given my usual attitude, I tend to ignore most things. That's what people usually say, yes? "Don't mind, don't mind", "That's just how people are", and "You can't change other people, but you can change how you think" and so on.

Come a certain point, I can snap. Yesterday, I probably scared a colleague of mine...but he's the least of my worries.

Maybe people just don't get me. All the smiles I wear are not really me. Even though I am capable of writing happy and funny things...there remains a part of me that can't seem to shake all the gloom away.

It's like a sugar rush...One moment people may see me all sunshine, the next moment a storm may suddenly rage. I doubt it's bipolar disorder though...

I think I am lenient enough. But when people overstep my boundary...heads will roll.

...I may be capable of being vindictive after all.

1. How ironic. It's only now that I realise what a common idiom in my native tongue - "Buat baik berpada-pada, but jahat jangan sekali" - actually means. The meaning as a whole, not just the second part, because that is self-explanatory and is morally logical, if there exists such a thing.

The first part - doesn't it mean that doing good also should be done carefully? As in, obviously we shouldn't be assisting anyone doing criminal acts, but perhaps this also extends to those you once thought you could trust almost whole-heartedly.

Then it brings another question altogether. The issue of intention.

God Promised, didn't He? That anyone who eases the way for his or her brethens, then He shall do the same for him or her.

The point is: Let's not compromise too much that it puts your own rights and self in jeopardy. Yes.

I really should be more honest, whether to myself or to the people around me.

2. A conversation - not in verbatim, but the gist is well preserved! - in which I probably should start to take heed...

Mom: You okay?
Me: Mmm...Why?
Mom: You sound...
Me: ...depressed?
Mom: Yes.
Me: Naturally.
Mom: ...Naturally. Right.

And just this morning my friend and I was saying how her life is colourful like her headscarf, and then I accused/teased her as being euphoric. Then she said murmured something about major depressive disorder, to which I said, "Wait, are you talking about me?"

She chuckled.

"Maybe I'm not having major depressive disorder," I resume. "More like...Pre-major depressive disorder." Because - despite my talks of jumping off buildings - I don't think I should do that. Mostly because (a) God Says No to the idea of suicide, (b) I doubt my good deeds so far is enough and (c) There are still things I value in this life, rotten as the world is.