Too Much

I’m just too overwhelmed right now.

After months of feeling numb - of denying this sadness that grows deeper and darker each day - I burst a little.

And unfortunately my family is not making things easier.

It feels like I am being judged. As if all I am capable of is mistakes. Or awkwardness.

Not denying it though. I am socially awkward. I have no idea how to behave towards people. I misinterpret people too often.

I do things because of my own personal reasons. Reasons that people are too quick to overlook and just chalk it up to my eccentricity.

I hate this. I hate all this.

It feels like I’m slowly inching towards depression. This helplessness is real.

Yet knowing my family, they’ll just say it’s because I’m too negative in my outlook in life.

What am I to do when life more often than not hands me lemons? Extra sour and too many lemons?

All my life I’ve wanted to be in medicine. And yet medicine - the job, the toxic environment, the bureaucracy, the utter morons who run the admin, even unreliable and lazy colleagues - is dishing out more than I can handle.

I wish that they - pre-Uni - made us more aware of what we were signing up when we made a deal with the devil.

There is no nobility in the profession. Maybe there is - minuscule, hidden deep under layers of human ugliness.